Revision response and plan
Summative Comments
1. Good handling of summarizing the view of the author in her book: In this sentence, I summarize the author’s view in the book and use a “but” to emphasize the point of view that the author holds in common with me. I contain author’s name, name of the book and the view of the author in one sentence. It flows well and does not seem repetitive.
2. Good handling of “they say”: Because in this paper, I used some quotations of other writers. I used their views to illustrate the point of my view. I convey what they say carefully and made them efficiently fit to my opinion.
Higher Order Problem 1: State claims explicitly.
How:
I wrote this essay quite quickly. After writing it, I did not check the first draft very carefully. The only things I checked at that time was mostly grammar. I did not notice the content and structure of my paper. For many paragraphs, I sometimes buried the main claims in the middle of the paragraphs and in some other paragraphs I even just implied the claims very implicitly.
Solution:
I went through the whole paper again and again and this time, I did not check the grammar but focus on the content of my paper more. I found out all the claims I have in the whole paper. I used red color to mark all the main claims of each paragraph. Then, I thought carefully about how to move them to the beginning of each paragraph so that they can be explicit. What is more, I also added explicit claims to the paragraphs that did not have explicit claims in the first draft.
IN THE FUTURE:
I will spend more time in drafting and begin earlier. During the process of checking, I should not only focus on the grammar but also put more attention to the content of the paper. Explicitly put the claims in the paper so that the reader can easily understand the structure and meaning of what you write.
Higher Order Problem 2:
Define and support all key concepts so their relationships to one another and to your larger claim are crystal clear.
How:
Just as I stated in the HOP, I wrote the paper too fast and did not check it carefully. I miss noticing that for many words and phrases in the paper, I did not give the definition of them. I just simply used them and that will absolutely confuse the reader sometimes.
Solution:
I checked carefully and found out the words in the paragraph that are not defined and unclear first. Then I gave my understanding and definition of them. Doing that really helps me make the relationships of these undefined words clear and my larger claim becomes more and more explicit.
In the future:
I will check the paper more carefully after the first draft. I will pay attention to every special word, like this time “Place” and “Sense of belonging”, that I use. I should give them definitions and make the relationship of them clear.
Higher Order Problem 3: Organization.
How:
Because I rushed my first draft and focus mostly on the grammar the first time I checked, I did not think carefully about how each piece of my arguments fit each other. I did not plan carefully about the organization and did not pay attention to it after first draft.
Solution:
I looked at all the points in my paper carefully and then think carefully about their relationships and how they can fit each other. I think of the possible organizational models that I can use and find the one that seems fit most.
In the future:
I should think more carefully when I write and after I finish drafting. I should find the best organizational model for my paper to make it make more sense and more compelling. Also, I should make an explicit and careful plan before writing.
Lower Order Problem 1: Commas;
Ex.1 Original:
Other people hold the idea that home is where your family is and that it is family that makes up a home, not any other component.
Ex.1 Revision:
Other people hold the idea that home is where your family is, and that it is family that makes up a home, not any other component.
Ex.2 Original:
From my point of view, home is where we get a sense of belonging and it is like a shelter for all of us.
Ex.2 Revision:
From my point of view, home is where we get a sense of belonging, and it is like a shelter for all of us.
Ex.3 Original:
However, I still get a sense of belonging to Atlanta and that makes it really a important place to me.
Ex.3 Revision:
However, I still get a sense of belonging to Atlanta and that makes it really a important place to me.
How:
In the two sentences above, I wanted to combine two sentences together using the conjunction word “and.” However, I did not notice that because I already finished saying one sentence when I started to write the latter part of the sentence, I should put a comma after the first part.
Solution:
I read all the sentences with “and” out loud, and found out that there was always a stop before I read the “and”, so I put commas before “and” for every sentences like that.
In the future:
I should pay more attention to the small details like that. Put the right punctuations and avoid making same mistakes like that again. Read the paper out loud after finishing writing the first draft.
Lower Order Problem 2: wordiness/repetition/vagueness;
Ex.1 Original:
I call it home, because I really get a sense of belonging to it. I was not born in Atlanta. My nationality is Chinese, not American. I don’t have any family members in America right now. However, I still get a sense of belonging to Atlanta and that makes it really a important place to me.
Ex.1 Revision:
I was not born in Atlanta. I come from China, not America. Again, I don’t have any relatives here in America right now. However, I still get a sense of belonging to Atlanta, and that makes it a really important place to me.
How:
In the example above, I want to say that I see Atlanta as my second home, because I get a sense of belonging to it. However, I repeated what I wanted to say twice, and that really makes it seem redundant and repetitive.
Solution:
I deleted one of the sentences and reconsider the organization and word of use of this sentence. Later, I found out a more precise and clearer way to express what I wanted to say.
In the future:
I should avoid repeating the sentences of the same meaning. I should find out a better way to say something not redundant and more easily understandable.
Ex.2 Original:
However, there are always a lot of arguments about how we define a place as a home and what exactly can be called a home. Different people hold different ideas on that.
Ex.2 Revision:
Different people hold different ideas on the definition of home.
How:
In the example above, I want to say that different people have various ideas on the definition of home. However, I repeated what I wanted to say twice, and that really makes it seem redundant and repetitive.
Solution
I deleted one of the sentences and reconsider the organization and word of use of this sentence. Later, I found out a more precise and clearer way to express what I wanted to say.
In the future:
I should avoid repeating the sentences of the same meaning. I should find out a better way to say something not redundant and more easily understandable.
Ex.3 Original:
Home to me is like a shelter, I can go out of it sometimes, but when I get hurt or tired outside, the first place I would think of and want to go back to will still be the shelter from which I get warmth and a sense of belonging.
Ex.3 Revision:
Home to me is like a shelter. I can go out of it sometimes, but when I get hurt or tired outside, the first place I would think of and want to go back to will still be the shelter from which I get warmth and a sense of belonging.
How:
In this sentence, I want to say that home is like a shelter to us. However, I put too many things in just one sentence. Although there are no grammar mistakes in this sentence, but it is too redundant and vague.
Solution:
I simply split them into two sentences and then it looks pretty fine.
In the future:
I should avoid writing a sentence that is too long. When this happens, I can consider that maybe I can split it and make it better.
Lower Order Concern 3: MLA
Ex.1 Original:
All the experiences she had there made her so attached to the land. (Lahiri 107)
Ex.1 Revision:
All the experiences she had there made her so attached to the land (Lahiri 107).
Ex.2 Original:
The author holds the opinion that places like home can protect people from getting hurt and make people more aware of their sense of belonging. (Tuan 140 )
Ex.2 Revision:
The author holds the opinion that places like home can protect people from getting hurt and make people more aware of their sense of belonging (Tuan 140).
Ex.3 Original:
He thinks that it is our experience with the place that gives the place its meaning. (Price 125)
Ex.3 Revision:
He thinks that it is our experience with the place that gives the place its meaning (Price 125).
How:
In above examples, I wanted to use the quotations of other writers’ opinions to support my own statement. When I quote, I should follow the MLA form. However, I did not remember that the parenthesis of the writer’s name and page should be in front of the period, not behind it.
Solution:
I checked the correct MLA form on the Internet and then corrected them in my paper. I wrote this mistake down in my notebook so that next time I can avoid making mistakes like that again.
In the future:
Before writing the paper, I should first look through the Internet to find out the right way to do the MLA form. Then, I can begin to make quotations.
Link to the paper after being revised:/version-2-of-the-persuasive-essay.html